mornin,i reached there so much earlier n mx was late..lol..but really grateful to her for bringin e thread n needle..
cip was not bad..manage to sell finish e teddy bears though our can seemed so light..heehee..n we slacked quite a bit coz we waited till 10.30 then buy food till 11..so in fact,we only did cip for 1h45mins..coz from12.45 to 1.30.we were walkin n literally slackin..
then walked n ate mac before headin for e mrt..in e mrt train,mx was helpin me to adjust my uniform n stuff so tat i can make a final good impression(sincerely thanks a lot,mx)..managed to get 3 mosquitoes bites while waitin for bus(i hope can get dengue lah)..then it was drizzlin while i was walkin to sji(double time to get sick)..n as i walk,i started to get more frightened le..frightened of e fact tat i dun really noe how to break e news out..frightened of e fact tat i was literally alone..
tis whole situation was made worse by e fact tat 1)si ren mr chu er fan er nv come=no one go with me tgt to church*sob*)i ended up sittin beside tis old lady who keep ding zhe wo(so make me cant study n so cant distract myself)....i was really damn ex distracted e whole time..i juz keep smsin..or thinkin how to break e news..
when they doin attendance,they called out la vierge du sourire..n i was like"er,did they call my prasedium"?..then i realised they actually called for my prasedium when there was few moments of silence..so i said.."er,er,pres n treasurer vacant,secretary w/o apologies,vp present"..damn paiseh can..
next part reports-.-""..so i said"er,er,sisters said mornin prayers,did mornin assembly singing and helped out at mass..n er,report on e..er,er...um...erm...(i duno how many er,erm n um i said but i noe it lasts for a few mins n when i keep sayin those,i look left,right front n mostly bottom)(i noe what topic i wanna say but i juz bo xin qing to say n dun quite noe how to phrase it coz i nv do any preparations)after a while,i finally cont sayin"er,sisters laid e altar table n one of us said e word bible but e t'cher heard as watever and she started scoldin n insultin us and said tat mayb shld change e gals who r layin e altar"..i think i nv phrase properly or nv say clearly coz they make me repeat myself n after i repeat,almost everyone laughed(very funny meh?..most prob laugh at my stupidity..coz i cld sense tat freakin mr pro in eng n jonas makin unnecessary comments)..then keenan ask me sth like-wat's my thoughts of layin e altar table..n i replied"er..erm..i dun noe"..then he say u r one of those who r layin e altar table right..n i said ya..then he said sth like-so wat do u feel bout layin e altar table..n i was really dumbfounded..n then i finally said"er..erm..um..it is fun(coz got christabel) but it's also troublesome(nearly wanted to use e word-ma fan)coz u cant put e bag containin all e altar stuff on e floor n then cant put e xtra stuff on e altar table also n then also need to get warm water..then i think he said sth like"thank u sister"..after tat,i said"oh,i got sth to say too"..he ask wat is it..n i say"..er..erm..um..our sch legion is most prob closindown"..then he said"thank u sister for sharin tat with us,we will talk bout tat after e meetin"..n i was like ohmy tian..how great..i was act thinkin of leavin after sayin e news n now,i m stuck at this freakin place..rahh..ohya,as i was sayin e reports n breakin e news..most of e times,i keep lookin down and left..aiyah,i think i really stressed out n emo bout tis whole thing..or else,cannot be so sway tat 2 ppl actually tell me"are u okay"and"you r stressed"le..n ohmy tian,these 2 ppl somemore r from e same class lah..(see if u r able to guess who r those 2 ppl..lol..)..
aiyah..but i felt so damn bloody funny e whole time..it's like when i see mr ming yun,i feel so gan ga..i can nv talk to mr ming yun e same way i use to talk to mr pro in eng..to me,i talk to mr pro in eng pretty much e same like how i talk to mx..but when i talk to mr ming yun,i get e feelin like i m talkin to jeanette like tat..but then,i dun feel gan ga with jeanette..perhaps coz i hate mr pro in eng to e core n he's doro bro,i juz talk to him like how i talk to mx..rahh..wait a min..i talk to most of e ppl like how i talk to mx..n i think hor..e way i talk to mr ming yun aint really like e way i talk to jeanette..it's more like e way how i talk to sandy..there's like a feelin of gan-ga-ness..
aiyah..but i guess all tis aint gonna matter anymore,afterall,i doubt we will ever meet again..perhaps,u all may even forget tat i exist..anyway,pass sweets to mr pro in eng(i hope he rmb to pass to his officers..lol..n also pass sweets to mr ming yun n his fren)..
ohya,n there's another purpose for me to come for legion..wanted to get my revenge on mr pro in eng..i put in a shocker n needle into e enevelope..but i think it end up nv work leh..damn sad lah..
..by right,it shld be a complete sigh of relief tat i dun need to give a damn bout legion..but while on e bus,i cant help but start feelin sad..i needed a source of distraction..but e book nor e radio didnt help..si ren nick chin..screw him lah..if he had come,then i wont feel so cham..luckily i didnt die or else......
then for cat class..went in around 4.15 n everyone starin at me AGAIN..(somemore at e end of e class,e main facilitator was talkin bout cases of ppl bein late..n obviously one of them is me^_^)..we were suppose to close our eyes n meditate n with a song(here i m lord)..n as i heard e tune,i knew e lyrics pretty well n somehow,i couldnt control but let e tears roll down my face(it juz keep comin till e ppl who r on my left n right know bout it;luckily they were gals)..when i thought of e lyrics,i felt even more sad..felt sad tat i had to say tat legion is closin..felt sad coz i feel i dui bu qi god..i really wanna serve him,but e fear within me is juz too immense..i dun wanna be hurt once more..n ohya,on e bus,i felt a sense of emptiness n lost,n i guess it's coz i lost legion..so i also cried coz i realise how much legion also meant to me..n i dun wanna lose god..so even if i really choose to change religion someday,i gotta change to bein a christian le..
n after e meditation part,all of us gotta go to e faciliators for some ritual thing..then i was e last one..heehee(if not for clara,i wldnt even wana go for it)..n my facilitators were tryin to be very nice to me bout tis whole thing..(coz they noe e situation tat i m in..n i really thank them for it mann)..
after cat class,was thinkin of waitin for nick to go home..end up,his fone nv on..n then so i was at e entrance of e church,then my faciliatator saw me(e male de) then he talked to me bout my religion prob..n after e chat,i feel more luan n confused n hopless n lost..so walked out of church,saw nick chin with joshua..but decided not to go n find him..coz later so paiseh..
..i was halfway crossin then i stop coz i saw e car..then tat car drove past me le..i was still standin there..although there were other cars slowly drivin past n i could see tis physically..but somehow,in my mind,e cars aint there..n so i juz took a step..n "beeeeeeeeepppppppp"..e driver beep so as to warn me..oh mann..i got damn shock..
when i finally cross e road,i was thinkin of i shld take mrt or bus..then when i decided to take bus,i walked down e lane to e bus stop which had 963..tat walk seemed so long n never-endin..n as i walked,i felt a great sense of hopelessness n lost..i longed for sth but i duno wat's tat..so as i walked..somehow,tears juz started rollin down e face again..i felt so lost,so hopeless..at tat point of time,i dun wanna go home..i wanna go somewhere but dun noe where..i noe i long for sth but i dun noe wat's tat sth..i felt like dashin out onto e highway,n let a car run over me..i wanted someone to talk to..but i hav no idea..
i stopped a few times in my track..wonderin wat's tat sth i long for..i felt tat i needed to go to e church badly but aint sure coz i told clare tat i not goin for mass n a lot of ppl alrdy see me bein emo at church..finally,i stopped n leaned against a pillar(outside nus math n sci sch)..n i realised i needed jesus badly,i needed e mass,i needed some sort of comfort..so i chiong back..n somehow,tis time,e dist tat i took back church didnt seem so nv-endin..
e heart is willin,e flesh is weak..i end up sleep durin homily coz ex chao tired..but tis time,my attitude towards mass improved a little better..
then after mass,chat with bryan on e fone..n it really felt much better..a lot a lot ex better..n also went to drink bubble tea to freeze myself so tat i can really numb myself physically n hopefully,numb myself emotionally..
i hav been ex emo today..e emo hairstyle,e emo look,e emo behaviour..it seems damn funny how my sadness can turn to guilt n then to numbness n now emo..
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