ahh i feel so bad..
not agreein to go with clare to go join e church's youth group..
i got think bout goin der juz to see see..
but on further thought,i noe..at e very least for now,i cant forget e past..
esp since e youth group is at church of e holy cross..
well,i guess e lvl of ********* is juz too high..
im too bitter and disillusioned..
clare did suggest to me to give e catholic activities another chance which might change their view of them..
and in e past yr since i xian ru into tis situation,i did go for such things but evrytime when i did,i got upset,pissed and back to square one..
and since e whole legion thing came back not awhile long ago,i dun think my faith can take such things once more..
lol,jonathan got ask me go join legion too, and go join a stable pdm..
but i scared i cant commit e time n energy..also,shld i in any chance get hurt as a result of catholic stuff,i doubt i can pull myself tgt n be a minimum sunday catholic..
lol i realised why,those times i can keep thinkin i can forget bout e whole catholic thing n pretend it nv happen..
coz i hav serisly escaped and ran away fr evrythin..
other than e daily prayers which were said in stc,and i said it as part of wantin to pray..
i ran away from:
first friday mass-helpin out and attendin
religious education class(i nv attended a single-one tho evryone else attended at least one)
and even when e sch was havin compulsory mass like end of yr mass,in any chance when i was able to do so,i went along and acted like i was a non-catholic..
and sat with e non-catholics and nv receive holy communion..

i really very pei fu jonathan who went back to serving the church..
who went back to join legion despite all tat had happened to him..
he told me bfor i haven fell into e pit of tis spiritual thing but i feel like i hav..or perhaps i duno how to come out of it or its tis great self-protection tat i yearn for which disable me fr walkin out of it..

at e end of e day,e greatest irony of all is..
im goin to cj..
i really duno how im gonna cope with tis catholic thing..
i duno how im really gonna let go..
how to forget and wat forgive..
how to allow myself to be a catholic yet ensure tat i dun inflict any wounds..
i noe i hav no cream for it nor bandage..and a wound can get infection if its left in e open right?
and e next thing cld be amputation..
lol

ahh i feel so bad..
not agreein to go with clare to go join e church's youth group..
i got think bout goin der juz to see see..
but on further thought,i noe..at e very least for now,i cant forget e past..
esp since e youth group is at church of e holy cross..
well,i guess e lvl of ********* is juz too high..
im too bitter and disillusioned..
clare did suggest to me to give e catholic activities another chance which might change their view of them..
and in e past yr since i xian ru into tis situation,i did go for such things but evrytime when i did,i got upset,pissed and back to square one..
and since e whole legion thing came back not awhile long ago,i dun think my faith can take such things once more..
lol,jonathan got ask me go join legion too, and go join a stable pdm..
but i scared i cant commit e time n energy..also,shld i in any chance get hurt as a result of catholic stuff,i doubt i can pull myself tgt n be a minimum sunday catholic..
lol i realised why,those times i can keep thinkin i can forget bout e whole catholic thing n pretend it nv happen..
coz i hav serisly escaped and ran away fr evrythin..
other than e daily prayers which were said in stc,and i said it as part of wantin to pray..
i ran away from:
first friday mass-helpin out and attendin
religious education class(i nv attended a single-one tho evryone else attended at least one)
and even when e sch was havin compulsory mass like end of yr mass,in any chance when i was able to do so,i went along and acted like i was a non-catholic..
and sat with e non-catholics and nv receive holy communion..

i really very pei fu jonathan who went back to serving the church..
who went back to join legion despite all tat had happened to him..
he told me bfor i haven fell into e pit of tis spiritual thing but i feel like i hav..or perhaps i duno how to come out of it or its tis great self-protection tat i yearn for which disable me fr walkin out of it..

at e end of e day,e greatest irony of all is..
im goin to cj..
i really duno how im gonna cope with tis catholic thing..
i duno how im really gonna let go..
how to forget and wat forgive..
how to allow myself to be a catholic yet ensure tat i dun inflict any wounds..
i noe i hav no cream for it nor bandage..and a wound can get infection if its left in e open right?
and e next thing cld be amputation..
lol